Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages: it's time for the 49th installment of Pittsburgh Penguins hockey. Or is it the 50th? 49th season? 50th year? I don't know, this whole anniversary thing is idiotically awesome. Nonetheless, it's time for the greatest team in all of hockey to defend it's Stanley Cup championship.
Opening the curtain on another season wouldn't be right without a season preview, so we at Pens of Anarchy decided to hold a roundtable discussion to look at a few things for the upcoming season. I'm essentially just going to go question-by-question and post the answers from each POA staff member. Unfortunately, we were unable to get Matt Brower as he works all the time and we never get to talk to him anymore :'(
I apologize in advance for any misspellings, grammatical errors or even hurt feelings that you may be about to read. Actually, I'm not sorry about that last one. If this post hurts you're feelings, you're S-A-W-F-T.
Without further ado, let's get in to it…
When will Sidney Crosby play his first game of the 2016-17 season?
KB: Sometime next week. BS: 6/9/2017
ZM: Looking at the schedule, I’d believe he’ll be back Thursday October 20th against San Jose, barring any setbacks of course.
NK: October 20th against San Jose AK: Sidney Crosby will play his first game on October 18th. BN: Sid will miss only two games as he returns against Colorado on 10/17 ZZ: 10/17 Colorado Avalanche BP: He is going to miss the first four games, so he’ll play against the Sharks. It seems fitting considering this should be the first game of the season. Every other league opens with a championship rematch.
How much of the season will the HBK Line play together?
KB: 69 percent of it. BS: All season
ZM: I believe they’ll be broken up by November, however I bet they finish the season playing together. It’s hard for me to gauge only because of Crosby injury / Malkin production.
NK: They'll stay together for the first month until the inevitable injuries start to happen. They'll reunite down the stretch part of the season just in time for the playoffs. AK: HBK will play less than 69 games together. No way they even make it to Christmas IMO. BN: 69% of the season but in all seriousness barring injury, theyll be together for an overwhelming amount of time. Expect the first break up to happen when the team hits the annual mid-November to mid-December slump ZZ: I think they will play at least a part of every game together. BP: Once Wilson establishes himself as a top 6 left winger, they will be together all season unless they put Kunitz there.
How long before someone freaks out because Conor Sheary takes a shift with Bonino and Kessel?
KB: Third period. Tonight. BS: Game 1. Only because Sheary will be stuck on the ice and someone will lose their mind.
ZM: Most Pens are irrational, so the second it happens. NK: Tonight AK: Only about 9.11 seconds after the shift starts because “YOU GOTTA KEEP HBK TOGETHER” fart noise. BN: After the Second Period against Washington ZZ: 5 minutes into the first today against the Capitals. BP: The people who freak out over this are dumb.
Over/Under - The amount of time before one of us gets booted from a Pens Facebook fan page: Opening Night?
KB: Probably sometime this afternoon. BS: After game 1 ZM: I’ll take the over, I’m going to try and be a good noodle this year on the Facebook. NK: Odds are that it would be myself that would get booted from a Facebook page. However since that creepy old hag Gwendolyn already kicked me from her dumb page my odds of getting booted have gone down significantly. I'll say sometime around the trade deadline when I call someone's mom fat after they trash Jagr during the annual #JagrWatch. AK: After the Penguins first loss or some degenerate posts something creepy about stalking one of the players. Honestly, realistically it happens before the banner is raised. BN: It wont be me as I'm booted from the Kunitz Fan Cub. Im gonna say one of us gets booted ZZ: Considering we have been booted several times already, I'm saying before the Pens second regular season game. Gwendolyn has a vendetta against us. BP: Immediately
Over/Under - The amount of time before the POA Twitter account goes to war with someone: Opening Night
KB: See my answer to the previous question. BS: Whenever terrorist Tom Wilson runs Malkin 5 minutes into the game ZM: Under. Some Caps fan will make a Sid concussion joke and it’ll be all out war. NK: First Cryers game is October 29th AK: While the banner is going up, probably with some retarded Caps fan. BN: Opening night vs Mia Khalifa ZZ: As the banner is being put in the rafters. We will say something about Ovechkin and it will start. BP: Mia Khalifa will say something dumb before the game starts.
Speaking of Opening Night, what will be going through Alex Ovechkin's mind as the Pens are raising their fourth Stanley Cup banner?
KB: "I wish the Capitals drafted Evgeni Malkin instead of me." BS: Purple nurples
ZM: “Damn, I wish my team didn’t suck.” NK: "Donald Trump is a rational man" AK: Ovi will be thinking about how to count to potato. BN: "What will it take for me to win a Cup?" ZZ: "Oh wow, is this a surprise birthday party for me? That banner doesn't have my name on...... ohhhhhh" (Ovechking sad face) BP: “Will Kessel get Hot Dogs with me after the game?”
Are you worried that Mike Sullivan will just become another Dan Bylsma?
KB: I think it's a very real possibility. It's essentially the same team as last year. Sullivan could become complacent and not try different lines, etc. That said, gun to my head: no. Mike Sullivan is the real deal. BS: Absolutely not ZM: Somewhat, but that’s only because of 2009 and the superstitions behind it. Teams like the Blue Jackets still believe in #grit and #character so the Pens will continue to skate circles around them. NK: Eventually. It won't happen until serval years down the road and it might not be to the same extent as FHCDB but hockey coaches don't seem to have a long shelf life. AK: No, Dan Bylsma was SAWFT BN: No Im not worried. Sullivan actually adjusts his team when needed whereas Dan didnt. I feel like Sullivan has a better grasp of this team as opposed to Bylsma after winning the Cup. ZZ: I am not because if that happens, you will find all of POA jumping off a bridge with no water under it. BP: As long as he doesn’t fuck up lines to play his teacher pets (ie Craig Adams, Gibbons, ect.) he’ll be fine.
Who did 9/11?
KB: I can't put a finger on it, but George Bush and Pete Carroll definitely know. BS: Derick Pouliot. TJ Oshie. Tom Wilson. Brett. Every Philadelphia Flyer. Zac Rinaldo. Roman Reigns. Joe Pa. John Tavares. Dustin Brown. Johnathan Quick. Drew Doughty. Every player from every Canadian team. Brad Marchand. Donald Trump. ZM: It’s a three-way tie between John Tortorella, Andrew McCutchen, and Radko Gudas. Speaking of 9/11, make sure people remember Building Seven, the real story that was lost in this whole tragedy. NK: TJ Oshie AK: Tom Wilson BN: GWB ZZ: There is only one true answer. Bush did 9/11. BP: King Kong did 9/11 to get revenge for Harambe. He went back in time using Bush’s time machine.
Is Phil Kessel still a Stanley Cup champion?
KB: You better BO-lieve it. BS: Is Zach Zapf a tool?
ZM: Does Andrew McCutchen suck at baseball? NK: *checks sources* ............... Confirmed AK: Let me go cook 69 hot dogs and I’ll get back to you. Tweet @simmonssteve and ask him in the meantime. BN: Yes ZZ: He will always be a Stanley Cup Champion. BP: You’re damn right he is!
Uncle Gary announces that the NHL is forcing teams to add one female to their roster, and said female must play in every game. Which female character from The Office would you want Jim Rutherford to sign?
KB: Meredith Palmer. She'd do dirty things to opposing teams. BS: Pam ZM: I’m going to go off the grid here and say Phyllis. I feel like her old age would attract Rutherford, plus she probably has some locker room experience. NK: Madge Madsen AK: Probably Erin so she could just lose her damn mind on someone whenever someone touches Sid or Malkin. BN: Pam Beesly ZZ: (Author's note: ZZ Pomp decided not to list someone. F him.) BP: Meredith would be my choice. She would make the other team so uncomfortable with her flirting they wouldn’t want to come on the ice.
Who was Harambe's favorite hockey player?
KB: Tom Kuhnhackl BS: Phil Kessel ZM: Definitely had to be Wade Belak or Rick Rypien. Both showed unreal grit and were taken too soon. NK: Doug Glatt AK: Harambe loved Nick Bonino. BN: Any defenseman #ShotBlockers ZZ: Ilya Bryzgalov. They both didn't like bears. BP: Craig Adams. He would have blocked shots for him.
What's the name of the arena that the Pens are playing in this season? I forget.
KB: Civic Arena BS: The Harambe center
ZM: I think it’s PPG Paints Arena, that’ll probably change again though. NK: PPG Energy Arena AK: Brett needs to record this because I have no idea. BN: PPG Paints Arena ZZ: I believe PPG Paints Arena, but ask me after a couple of beers. BP: Icee McArenaFace
How long before someone "misplaces" an "m" for an "n" when referring to Mike Condon?
KB: Who's Mike Condom? BS: The day he plays his first game ZM: Brandon did it today, still couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. NK: It already happened in the POA Group Text AK: 8:47, October 13th after Fleury gives up a goal. BN: When he starts his first game ZZ: 1 week. What do you expect when there is a last name like that. BP: I could have sworn his name was with an “m”….
Which Flyer are we all going to learn to hate this season?
KB: I'm tired of hearing about Ivan Provorov already. BS: Konecny and Provorov. Should they stick around all year. ZM: I’ll hate the entire Flyer’s organization. Ed Snider, Pierre- Edouard Bellemare, and Radko Gudas to name a few. NK: Wayne Simmonds. Already hated but I'll relearn if needed. AK: Whoever decides to be a coward. Radko Gudas doesn’t count for this question though. BN: Does it really have to be only one? I hate all equally, but if I have to pick, then Ivan Provorov ZZ: I already hate every Flyer's player, but it grows every year. BP: Ghost bear. He’s the only one that can actually score against us.
Who will be the whipping boy this season?
KB: Evgeni Malkin. BS: Derrick Pouliot ZM: Chris Kunitz NK: Matt Cullen/Chris Kunitz AK: Fuck Derrick Pouliot BN: Matt Cullen. Why? He wont produce like he did last year, but I hope does produce like last year ZZ: Kunitz. He will be the whipping boy until he isn't here anymore. Stupid iron deficiency. BP: Wilson. He’s going to get chances with Geno. If he isn’t scoring 5 a night everyone will want Kunitz back up there. Same goes for Rust. If you are playing with Geno, you should have 900 points a year easy. At least that’s what the yinzers think.
How will the Penguins' goaltending situation play out?
KB: The Pens will ride the hot hand, and we'll lose one of Murray or Fleury at the expansion draft instead of trading one of them for assets. A certain Pittsburgh radio personality told us that it's too early to worry about that, however. BS: Murray is gonna get dysentry. Condon is gonna tear his acl. Jarry is gonna get the never ending mumps. Fleury plays all 82 games. The Pens go 82-0 and 16-0 in the playoffs.
ZM: I believe Fleury is gone at the deadline, insert Murray and Jarry. Condon stays as a solid serviceable 3rd option. NK: MAF will be gone by the trade deadline. AK: Fleury wins the job in October and people are mad as hell because Murray was hurt and “didn’t get a fair chance” BN: Matt Murray wins the job by the midway point. Whoever loses out will, ask to be traded at the deadline ZZ: Fleury wins the job because he plays so well early in the season and people get mad online because Murray isn't starting. BP: Fleury and Murray split time just how every team with two good goalies does. Look at Dallas and St. Louis last year.
I'm pretty sure we all know what the best-case scenario is for the Pens in 2016-17. What's the worst-case scenario?
KB: Tortorella mentally hijacked Sullivan at the World Cup of Hockey and Sullivan tries to turn Sid into a grinder. Pens lose Murray or Fleury for nothing at the expansion draft. Trump gets elected. Etcetera. BS: Mike Johnston assassinates Mike Sullivan. ZM: Sid doesn’t recover from concussion, team stutters worse than Brett Nesbitt, Pens fail to make playoffs. NK: Crosby never comes back from his concussion, announces retirement, and Bob Nutting buys the Pens from 66. AK: Trump or Hillary get the United States blown up and PPG Paints Arena becomes a military base. BN: Their ten year playoff streak comes to an end ZZ: Mike Sullivan disappears into a alternate universe. Chris Pronger becomes the head coach. The Pens are the worst team in the league because Pronger's brain is mush. Then Pronger "teaches" Crosby how to take hits with his head and Crosby goes goodnight moon. We riot and the Pens cease to exist. BP: Every kid dabs on the jumbotron and we at POA kill ourselves before the end of the season. Seriously though, the “Consol” curse happens, and we miss the playoffs due to injuries.
Where will the Pens finish in the Metropolitan? Eastern Conference?
KB: Second in the Metro. Third in the conference. BS: 2nd in both ZM: I believe they’ll finish second in the Metro only because the Capitals NEED to be regular season heroes, and I believe they’ll also be second in the Eastern Conference. NK: 2nd in the Metro, 3rd in the Conference. AK: Second in both, BN: First place in the Metrosexual and they capture the top seed in the East ZZ: 1st in the Metro and 1st in the Conference. BP: We will finish second in the Metro and the Eastern Conference right behind the Capitals.
How far will they go in the playoffs?
KB: Eastern Conference Finals BS: Back to back *Drake voice* ZM: Conference Finals loss to the Tampa Bay Lightning. NK: Stanley Cup Finals #NotAHomer AK: Stanley Cup Finals BN: They become the first back to back champ since the 1997 & 1998 Detroit Red Wings. I feel very confident they can pull it off. Much like Craig Patrick did in 1991, Rutherford makes a trade that proves to be the catalyst in helping to propel the repeat. ZZ: They are going to win the Stanley Cup. Ovechkin will still be trying to figure he celebration the Pens had on October 13, 2016. BP: We will repeat this year. BACK TO BACK CHAMPS
Stanley Cup Final prediction?
KB: Lightning over Predators in 6. BS: Pens over Sharks in 7 ZM: Lightning over the Blues in six. NK: Pens in 4 (over the Predators) AK: Pens over Predators in 6 BN: PIT over DAL in 5 ZZ: Pens over Blues in 7 BP: Penguins vs Stars in a battle of who has a better one two combo. Benn and Seguin against Sid and Geno. We win and go back to back thanks to better goaltending and having the HBK line.
Any additional thoughts/predictions on the season?
KB: This is the year — Double J is coming home. BS: Boobs ZM: Jake Geuntzel comes up midseason and scores 15 goals. Marc-Andre Fleury is traded, Penguins add a winger during the trade deadline with Fleury deal. NK: Phil Kessel will remain a Stanley Cup Champion AK: Crosby wins the Scoring Title, MVP, Your moms heart. Fleury starts in the playoffs. Crosby gets his 1000th point in the Stadium Series. Jake Guentzel (whats a Jake Guentzel) is this year’s Conor Sheary. Scott Wilson scores 25 goals. BN: Alex Ovechkin will come really close to 60 goals, Connor McDavid fails to register 100 points. Sideny Crosby will capture his third MVP and Art Ross titles. The NHL will not allow players to participate in the 2018 Olympic come the Jan 15th deadline. The Pittsburgh Penguins will win the Presidents Trophy. ZZ: Matt Murray gets traded before the trade deadline. Sidney Crosby reaches 120 points. Stamkos reaches 60 goals. Connor McDavid reaches 100 points. Kris Letang wins the Norris. Mike Sullivan gets a Jack Adams nomination. Fleury gets a Vezina nomination. Wells Fargo Center blows up. BP: Patrick Laine will cement himself as the new Ovechkin recording an absurd number of hits and shots. He will also win the Calder. Calgary will be the biggest goon team in the league and will concuss Conner McDavid. The Flyers will suck and trade both of their goalies and sign some bum. Arizona will come in last this year. Marchand will get nose reduction surgery to help him see the puck better. Someone on the Pens will dress up like a hot dog again for Halloween. Also Sid will win the scoring title easily and contend for the Rocket Richard trophy cause he is the G.O.A.T.
Old Posts from our site, heyyyyyfannnssss (4/11-2/15). Cute name, but impossible to remember.