Narratives are the narrative to follow of the series between the Nashville JaredFogles and the Pittsburgh Penguins.
First of all…
Crosby vs. Subban
Blah blah blah best Canadian forward vs. blah blah blah best Canadian defenseman blah blah TSN Clickbait
This narrative goes like this:
Times Crosby has been traded by an incompetent GM for a dinosaur with no redeeming quality other than a lethal slapshot: 0
Neal vs. Hornqvist
They were traded for each other.
Hornqvist has put up Neal-like numbers and was exactly what the Penguins needed, minus the Whitney Houston-like tendencies.
It’s pretty much a consensus that both teams won.
Murray vs. Fleury
One former local newspaper columnist turned blog- erm, sports media website “pioneer” who will not be named is pushing so hard for this narrative when exactly zero other people (who know hockey) are.
But look, Mike Sullivan doesn’t lose. And he doesn’t lose because he makes the right decisions. Yes, Marc-Andre Fleury does handstands, grins a toothy smile. No, Matt Murray isn’t charming the fans anytime soon. Sorry, Matt.
She likes me for my huge sv%.
…and if it weren’t for that columnist, we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation.
More trap, but faster this time!
Trap music is probably the worst thing on earth.
Trap hockey is the most boring thing on earth.
Nashville manages to do it in a fun, fast way.
What does this mean? It’s probably going to be Ottawa 2.0, but with more space for offensive performance on Pittsburgh’s part. Yas.
Banged up but expected to play are Hornqvist, Schultz, and Ruhwedel for Pittsburgh and Mike Fisher for Nashville.
Kris Letang and Ryan Johansen will not return to the series. Tanger had herniated disc surgery and Ryan Johansen’s leg swelled up so bad that they had to cut his skin open to relieve pressure. Neat.
Best O vs. Best D
Pens would own a supreme advantage if they could get Crosby out against the likes of Yannick Weber. (Fact: parents who do not love their child name them Yannick.)
Carrie Underachievement is the new Mia Khalifa
Preds’ captain Mike Fisher’s wife is Carrie Underwood, country singer, who is OMG SUCH A BIG PREDS FAN GO PREDS!
By marrying Mike Fisher, she became Carrie Fisher.
The only GOOD Carrie Fisher is the dead one.
Anyway, Carrie Fisher 2 isn’t that good looking without makeup.
Mia Khalifa’s eyebrows, Carrie Underwood’s ‘Alex Jones’ fivehead.
Stats model odds favor the Pens
Dom Luzczyxzzeyefnz (@domluszczyszyn) uses fancy stats like individual game score to determine who has the best odds of taking each series. Funny thing, he’s also a diehard Predators fan. His model says that the Penguins hold a 59% chance to do the thing going into the series. Winning one or two of the next two home games would do big things to those odds.
Also, HockeyViz.com, Micah Blake McCurdy’s model, has the Penguins as 56% favorites.
MoneyPuck.com, who sucks, says the Preds have a 55.7% chance do the thing. Losers.
The Pens beat Columbus, the capital of Ohio.
Then they beat Washington, the capital of the USA (home of Phil Kessel)
Then they beat Ottawa, the capital of Canada.
Now they’re on to Nashville, which is the capital of Tennessee.
Good thing Anaheim didn’t win the West.
Important Numbers to know:
0 – Points Nashville’s 36-year-old captain Mike Fisher has in this year’s playoffs before being sidelined with a concussion/eye socket fracture?
1 – The number both teams have won (and lost) this year in head-to-head matchups
2 – former Penguins on the Predators (James “Llello” Neal and Harry Zolnercykeysmash). The only former Predator the Penguins have is Patric Hornqvist.
3 center-men are all Nashville’s really got, and their top one, Ryan Johansen, is done for the year.
-Never forget that weird thing that Paul Steigerwald did prior to the game in Nashville this past October where he pretended to be a country singer but sounded like a pirate. No wonder Root gave the job to Steve Mears.
-Never forget that Ryan Johansen asked James Neal to do some lines on live TV following their series win over Anaheim. He said yes.
-The Preds are great defensively, and good but fast trappers. They’re missing their top center, and Pittsburgh is missing their top defenseman. Filip Forsberg, James Neal, and that Scissions guy are notable names to watch out for. They won’t be able to overcome the Penguins’ cohesiveness, offensive scoring depth and flexibility, though. The Pens have made Holtby and Bobrovsky look #BadOnline and (hopefully) might do that thing to Rinne.
-This writer says the Pens do the thing in six games.
Old Posts from our site, heyyyyyfannnssss (4/11-2/15). Cute name, but impossible to remember.