The Penguins' quest for a third straight Stanley Cup begins tonight when those C U Next Tuesday's from across the state and their dysentery-infested fanbase make their way to PPG Paints Arena to watch a real hockey team play. And I'm not talking about the Flyers.
The city of Philadelphia has declared itself the new City of Champions after the Eagles won the Super Bowl, Villanova won the men's basketball NCAA Tournament, Jerry Dickhead from down the street won the Scrabble National Championship and Geno's won Best Cheesesteak in Philadelphia, all in 2018. The Phyllis — or whatever that stupid baseball team named after a homosexual horse is called — signed Jake Arrieta, and the city of Philadelphia has somehow claimed some national title for that as well.
But don't let any of that distract you from the fact that the Flyers haven't won a Cup since 1975.
Look — if you came here for fancy stats or anything of that nature, you're not going to get it. The Penguins are just flat out better than the Flyers. Which is weird considering the Flyers were the team I reallllly didn't want to play in the first round. That is in large part due to the fact that, if the Flyers win even one game this series, especially if they steal one in Pittsburgh, their fanbase is going to be INSUFFERABLE. That's usually their constant state of affairs, but it will be even worse if they win a game. Think Devils goaltender Keith Kinkaid's emoji tweets in real-life form, combined with a subway car full of people with bologna breath at 7 a.m. on a Monday morning, combined with Tommaso Ciampa fans.
Fuck Tommaso Ciampa.
The Penguins have been here before. Plenty of times. They know what they need to do. Seth Rorabaugh tweeted something brilliant the other day, saying "The Penguins don't so much "flip the switch" for games that matter as much as they adjust the dial from 3-4 (October through December) to 5-6-7 (January-February-March) to 8-9-10 (April-May-June)."
It really couldn't be more true. Aside from 90 percent of the divisional games from October through the rest of the calendar year, the Penguins looked like the Ice Capades out there. Then from January through March, they were rolling up some doobies. Now, from April through June, the Penguins are going to flat out be on PCP.
No matter what the next two months bring, whether it's a first-round exit or a sixth Stanley Cup banner, enjoy it. Once Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin are gone, no one knows how long it'll be before we go on another run like this.
Old Posts from our site, heyyyyyfannnssss (4/11-2/15). Cute name, but impossible to remember.